follow faithfully... bear your gifts.

Advent is quickly coming to a close, and our preparation for a grand celebration of new life, new promise, transition, hope and great joy will come to culmination in just a matter of days. What a remarkable time to be living in a world of transition and change, to be focusing on God's presence and Christ alive and well among us. Advent is a time of great inner work - of taking (making) the time to be introspective and ready ourselves for miracles. It is a time of bearing gifts, as Mary did bringing Christ into this world, as the wise men did when they arrived to meet Jesus. It is a holy time, without a doubt.

The past week has been in itself, an undoubtedly holy time, overflowing with profound joy for me. Jhonny's arrival, celebrating 30 wonderful years of life with so many who are very important to me, preparing for a marriage that will, God-willing, bring a lifetime of adventure, joy, spirit, excitement, healthy challenge and deep love with a man I am blessed and lucky in whom to have found not only a life partner but a best friend, have all been unforgettable moments of grace. I am amazed at the countless individuals who have come bearing gifts for both Jhonny and myself - gifts of love, support, friendship, welcome and encouragement, that have humbled me in deep ways. I am continuously amazed at the movement of God's grace and the Spirit's guiding hand in my life here, in a city/place I now call home, which I have the honor and gift of sharing with Jhonny.  

In some ways, we can't appreciate the sweet to its fullest without some sour - but it is the combination of the two that creates for us a savory experience. Recently, I came to the conclusion that I need to remove myself from being actively a part of Sobremesa, at least at this time. It has been a long discernment process; being a member of Sobremesa has been full of teachable moments for me. It is sad ("sour") in some ways to be leaving the community, but I hope and trust that it makes the sweet all that much more so, for all involved.

Part of the reason for my departure lies in the new stage of my relationship with my fiance. Jhonny has been in the USA a week, and so far, I could not have asked for anything greater. It is amazing to have him here and to be graced with such a remarkable manifestation of love and God's presence active in my life. Indeed, we have and will face challenges, and this relationship needs and deserves my priority and attention. Our path has certainly been an unexpected and beautiful one, and is sure to continue to be full of ups and downs and moments of grace, as well as moments of hardship. I am blessed and lucky that God has brought us together - truthfully, I have our Lady of Guadalupe more to thank! She has been the catalyst and our intercessor through it all! I am excited to focus time, energy, and love on Jhonny and the family that we are becoming.

Simultaneously, there is more to my decision to step back from Sobremesa, which has to do with the struggles and  challenges of community, amidst the gift and goodness. I am leaving for a number of reasons -  in both my life journey and my faith journey I am in a very different place. There have been many trials for me in regards to community (difficulties for me personally to be a part of it, complications in my professional life, and the way I may be preventing the community of Sobremesa from living its mission), that at this point I really think that all needs to be acknowledged and respected. The only way I can see to do so is to remove myself from being a member of this community.

Community has been exhausting for me. I have avoided bringing to the table a very big part of myself and, therefore, have really not been able to engage fully in what a community should look like/be/give/produce. In some ways, this experience of community has really hindered me in many ways from experiencing God, which is not healthy. I need to own that, as much as I hate to admit it - the point of community is by no means to draw us further away from God, from seeing and reflecting the face of Christ, but I had let it get to that point for me. I let myself fall away from a focus on social justice through faith, from a focus on simplicity, from a focus on the importance of being. I greatly appreciate and value the challenge that came from community to not leave - my tendency in the past has always been to leave (cities, jobs - never a community, but certainly other aspects of life equally as vital). It's been very difficult to discern the unknown, as all are unsure about what the future holds. Sobremesa challenged me on my tendency to leave, which again I deeply appreciate - a challenge I believe can only come from one who has insight to and, in some key ways, knows my heart. However, I have not been able to find in this community the joy, nourishment, fulfillment and presence of God as I need it, nor an atmosphere in which I feel I can give it to others wholly. There's a part of me that wishes I had a crystal ball to know what the future holds, but alas, that is not life! And to stay in something for that which may or may not manifest in years to come is not only unfair to me, but incredibly unfair to the community of Sobremesa. To leave is not easy, and it doesn't feel "good," but it is right, I believe, at this point.

I have recently started volunteering at a very small, independent organization here in San Antonio, and it is wonderful. It is a transitional housing facility for immigrants without documentation. I go weekly to bring food and cook and eat with the residents there, and to reflect on Scripture and different topics of social justice. It is a true ministry of presence that grounds itself in quietly fighting injustice, and focusing on both serving and being served by the Latino immigrant population - a group of people who so tightly hold on to my heartstrings. I have been filled with joy and so nourished during these visits - I need to pay attention to that. I need to honor my need for a spirituality rooted in the Latino culture, in "comunidad base," as we call it - in social justice and faith alive and being a contemplative in action (oh, those Jesuit roots!). I have continued, in my prayer, to return to the need of being authentic. I need to acknowledge my own lack of authenticity within this particular Sobremesa context, and to be proactive about finding a place in which to live more authentically as the person God calls me to be, a place in which to bear my gifts, and a place where I can value and cherish the gifts of others.

I oftentimes during Advent/Christmas find myself relating most to the wise men who traveled to meet the Christ child. I don't say that in terms of my own possession of wisdom by any means!, but rather, I feel a connection to those who searched and wandered and looked and continuously tried to follow the North Star. The wise men arrived after Christ's birth - not being there on the 25th, but arriving more than a week later on the 6th (ok, ok, according to our modern interpretations/Church calendar... maybe not literally on those dates!). They took a long time, in their wandering and searching to finally find Christ. They tried to stay focused on the light, to follow faithfully (likely despite many roads and twists and turns), to stay committed to the call to bear their gifts. I often think of my own faith journey in a similar fashion... continuously trying to find Christ, trying to follow the North Star that will lead me to the ultimate miracle of love and hope, searching and wandering, trusting that the path I am following will lead me to more beauty than I could ever imagine, trusting that I will at some point arrive in a place where I can fully and unabashedly bear my gifts. I might not get there right on time, I might not make it there as soon as others do, but I trust in the journey, and continue to follow the Light.  

I am hopeful that, though not as members of Sobremesa, both Jhonny and I might continue to be in relationship with both individual members and the community as a whole, and continue to grow in relationship with one another. I am confident in the ability to similarly live a mission of radical hospitality, of being communicators of Grace, of being an example to others of a different way of living and being - even if Jhonny and I live it differently, in a unique context than Sobremesa. At the end of the day, all is good. And whether it is in a cold and poor manger, in context of an intentional community, at a small house on the west side of town speaking in foreign tongue, or wherever you might find yourself today... keep following faithfully, for we are all just looking for the best space to bear our gifts.