God is winking!

I had lunch today with an old friend, whom I haven't seen in quite some time. We have taken different paths over the past two years, but through "wink of God" events, as she would say, we have landed again here together, reconnected, and - hopefully - find ourselves rekindling a friendship that has in the past offered much life, much understanding, much joy, healthy accompaniment and great grace. I am grateful for the mysterious ways in which God works, for the stirrings of the Holy Spirit in unexpected manners, and for the presence of the Blessed Mother, being sure her children are cared for and have the opportunity to find comfort and genuine companionship in one another.

It is perhaps providential that as we caught up on the past almost two years, we spoke much of the continued transitions in life - we filled each other in on life events (mostly the big, and some of the small), and it seemed that falling back into deep conversation was easy and fairly effortless. There are some friendships, some people, who just "get it" - the "it" being any number of things - in this case, for me, I cherish those people in my life for whom the "it" includes so much... the soul and heart's journey (in all its hardship and glory), the challenge and privilege to attempt each day to live a life of justice through faith; health and wellness, the search for inclusion in a world of many silos, working for peace, living and working for the common good, the crossing of cultural, linguistic, religious, racial and socioeconomic barriers; the gift and challenge of seeing beauty, of following one's heart when it might not lead down the most common road, the constant search for a community that is life-giving and energizing (not to be confused with easy or always enjoyable). These transitions that we shared with one another were fitting, and as we experienced the start of yet another presumable transition in our friendship again today, I couldn't help but feel at peace at the parallel: as we in our liturgical year enter into a time of transition this Sunday, trying to prepare ourselves for the celebration of the birth of Christ - the incarnation of God on earth, the changes all around me seem to be graced with a sense of "this feels right."

Ultimately, what we shared today, breaking bread and asking for God's presence within and among us, was an exchange of love. A love that is real, that is tangible, that is incarnate; a love that strives to live up to the example of Mary - carrying the Christ child within her for nine months, through (what we can imagine must have been) difficulty and anguish along the journey (how many times could there have been no room at any inn?!), perhaps through frustration, misunderstanding and/or bafflement at how she could have been asked to consume this role; a love that moves gracefully through transition, through times of doubt, uncertainty and questioning; a love that trusts unconditionally that God is indeed good, and therefore if we are truly following God's call, having discerned and prayed, reflected and trusted, having surrendered ourselves to only needing God's love and grace for survival, then we cannot be on the wrong path.

When these "wink of God" moments occur... those moments when you know full well that whatever is taking place cannot possibly be of anything other than the Divine (for no human could arrange or maneuver for events to happen as they are, in these cases), we must wholeheartedly embrace Mary's "yes." Perhaps we are at times overwhelmed, or our human side is screaming of uncertainty, but even then - even if in only a barely audible whisper - we must say "yes," and trust that there is something far beyond our comprehension that God is in the works of creating. I don't know, but I would like to think that the time before Gabriel appeared, and the time leading up to Jesus' birth, and the time before Christ's death on the cross... I like to think that in that journey, Mary must have experienced some winks of God. There must have been something telling her that this was right... despite her questioning and uncertainty, things must have somehow "fallen into place" - there must have been some "signs" - however you want to name them, God must have been sending some winks her way, encouraging her despite her doubt, perhaps despite her discomfort, despite the wonder and lack of foreseeable future. God somehow communicated that, while not easy, she was on the right track, and it was all leading to Love.

Dorothy Day, who left our world 22 years ago yesterday, and is considered to be one of the greatest modern-day prophets (and a remarkable woman whom I personally think was absolutely brilliant) gave us the following: “True love is delicate and kind, full of gentle perception and understanding, full of beauty and grace, full of joy unutterable. There should be some flavor of this in all our love for others... With such a love one would see all things new; we would begin to see people as they really are, as God sees them.”

I think this true love is really what we are preparing to embrace again this Christmas. As we begin this Sunday with the first of Advent, let us pay attention to the winks of God in our lives - the small (or maybe at times not so small) moments of grace when we know we are on the right track, joining with those who "get it," moving towards Love. And as we ready ourselves for that transition - to experience Love anew, to see things new and see people as they really are, with the eyes of God - may we be filled with gratitude for Mary's "yes," joy for the moments of Grace/winks of God in our lives, and hope for the incarnation.

I feel HOME

I feel HOME

“I feel home, when I see the faces that remember their own. I feel home, when I’m chillin outside with the people I know. I feel home, and that’s just what I feel. Home to me is reality and all I need is something real.” –O.A.R.

What’s home to you?

I sent a text today to a dear friend in Maryland, asking her how her Thanksgiving was. She replied that it was good and she was glad to be home. Home is where you can let go and be yourself. Home is where you feel comfortable.

 Being away from my family and my community this Thanksgiving made me think a lot about HOME… and what home has become for me. I have been away from my family before for Thanksgiving, but this year was a little different. It was probably the smallest Thanksgiving meal I’ve had, but it was filled with laughter, food, dancing, silliness, prayer, and love. It made me miss people that I could be sharing my Thanksgiving meal with. The friends and family that love and have loved me in various ways: my Family in Maryland and Pennsylvania, my Friends in Maryland, my Community, friends and family who have passed away, and the friends whom I have had to “prune” or cut out of my life, were all missed.

I’m thinking that it may not be limited to just the house I grew up in. My home is found in the people that love me and support me and accept me for who I am and who I want to be. That opens up my home from just Black Spruce Lane to Newfoundland, Florida, Pennsylvania, California, New York, Hawaii, Texas, Colorado, and the list goes on.

It’s not always a warm and fuzzy place… it’s just like a real home. There are hard things and people mess up. Mumford and Sons has a song called Lover of the Light “watch me stumble over and over, I have done wrong, so build your tower but call me home and I will build you a throne.” I have found amazing people who accept me, and forgive me, and help me grow. I’m growing into this person I didn’t even know I wanted to be.

I am blessed to have found a home in Sobremesa. My community here in San Antonio has become a place where I can attempt to let myself grow, be my true self… working towards the person God wants me to be. Being home in Sobremesa is hard work. It takes all three of us to be vulnerable, to let each other into the good and bad parts of ourselves. To let each other see our weaknesses, challenge us and accept us. All of these things take a lot of work. Just like a family… it is a never ending job… thankfully, all of the work is totally worth it.

Own That: Faith, Hope, and Love and an Experience of God

On Thursday afternoon I boarded a bus with a bunch of “rowdy” juniors.  I didn’t know what to expect as I never usually know what to expect on these retreats.  On this particular retreat, I was a given an auxiliary support role.  This is different than the usual front and center role I have, which I and my ego do enjoy.  My task was to stay up beyond the “lights out” command that was given at 11:30pm.  As I was walking around at 1:00am in the cold dark shadows near Medina, Texas, I wondered, what the hell was I doing out here in the cold of morning.  Almost 30 years old and making sure that kids were not sneaking out of their cabins!  Why wasn’t I given a more prominent role in this retreat?  Those kids need to hear what I have to say!

24 hours later, thanks be to God, my whole disposition changed.  It was good and humbling to sit, observe, and reflect on why I’m continuing to be an educator.  It was reaffirming to say “yes” once again to serving the people of God in this way.  It was good to hear how life has impacted the faith journeys of the students and my colleagues.  It was beautiful to see how God was manifesting in the interactions our students were having.  What was most amazing was the fact that, with grace, we can grow and change.

Our school has this oft abused yet beautiful notion of “brotherhood.”    This notion is fundamentally referring to our ability to see God in the world and its creation.  This notion is on a basic level accepting love but also learning how to love.  The ultimate notion of this high ideal is for our students to leave our institution not afraid to own their faith in a culture that is less and less accepting of faith.  Not afraid to transform the world for good. 

The dark side of this “brotherhood” shows itself when our students “help” out a fellow “brother” on tests/quizzes/homework or bully/tease each other.  These misguided actions are used to justify the “brotherhood.”  Much of my work as an educator is attempting correct these errors because so many of our students have become “numb” to these behaviors.  Indeed these mistakes run rampant in our school and I have to, frequently, remind our guys that there is a line of behavior that isn’t good.  We must challenge ourselves to be better than our worst destructive behaviors.

The final night of the retreat adults and students alike sat around a campfire and shared about the ups and downs of life.  One colleague posed the question about the future of our school.  Will it be around in the next fifty years?  How about one-hundred years?  Will families find it too expensive to send their children to Catholic Schools?  What’s the purpose of Catholic schools if faith can be transmitted and taught at the parish?  These are but a few great questions that caught my attention as well as the attention of the students.

My colleague then issued a challenge that struck at the core of our beloved “brotherhood.”  He stated that this is merely a word and God is more than the “brotherhood” we’ve created.  Our true challenge, he concluded, was to learn to see God and to learn how to be loved by this God, but also to learn love to world.  It seemed as though stillness and silence were the only things able to be heard as we all gazed at the cosmos above us and considered the challenge issued moments before.

My colleague challenged all of us that cold night.  He challenged us to own our faith and to trust in the work of our best friend, the Holy Spirit.  As we enter into this time of Thanksgiving, I give thanks.  I give thanks for all you who are reading this!   I want to thank my community for blessing all my involvements and time spent away from our home!  I thank my family for supporting me all these years.  I would be remiss if I didn’t give thanks for my beloved, CCHS.  This school has trusted me to do things that I’ve only dreamed of.  The list goes on…

What are you thankful for?  I should, at the essence of my being, be most thankful for my relationship with God.  This sustains and nourishes me and I hope it does the same for you.  Experiences like the junior retreat remind me of the task I have to construct the kingdom of God.  I will own that!  Thankfully this task isn’t only mine but yours as well.  Let us work together!

A great jazz song (Esperanza Spaulding) about hope:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoL_LuWIg8M

Wisdom in the Waiting

When I was younger, I remember listening to many "grown ups" who were married say, "you just know" whenever they were asked how they knew that the person they were going to marry was the right one. I remember thinking "Yeah right, what a crock!" when I heard this - that it was a total blow off answer and they were full of it.

Now that I am a "grown up" (it's true, I am a grown up - even if sometimes I doubt my own capability to handle the world and all its curve balls and momentarily think it would be a lot easier to revert to my late teens! - I am indeed an adult), and now that I am on the journey to marriage, I realize that there is some truth in that statement. I don't believe there is only one person in the world out there for each of us, but I do believe that God has a great hand in bringing the paths of two people together, who are good for each other - who challenge and support and love and make one another better. And while I firmly believe that Love chooses us, and from there we must continue daily to choose Love back in a reciprocal and mutual manner, I must admit that I do remember the day in March of 2011 when I "just knew." Though there are multiple moments when my path could have taken a different route, when I could have made different choices and perhaps I would have ended up giving my heart to someone else, or when I could have made the decision to pursue a commitment to single life, or any number of other ways my life could have twisted and turned, the course of events over the past almost 30 years have led me here, and led me to Jhonny, and in March 2011, I realized that we would have the gift of continuing to grow our lives, our faith, and our love together indefinitely - I "just knew." It no longer sounds so bogus.

Lately, I have found myself wondering if the same might be true for community. Is there a moment when you "just know" if this is the right place, time, group of people for you? Or perhaps at this point in the (our/my) journey, is there a point when I would "just know" if this is not the right time/space/group of people for me in which to continue growing spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, etc.?

The discernment to commit to the Sobremesa community was a long and at times very arduous process. And there were many moments where I came very close to saying "this just isn't for me, not now, maybe not ever, this isn't right." But something kept me here, kept me in it, kept me from stepping away. My modus operandi for many years has always been to leave. If I didn't like a job, I quit it and found a new one. If I didn't like my living situation, I left it and made a change. if I was bored with whatever program I was running, I passed it off and found something new to do. I don't fear change, and have for a long time thrived in picking up and moving on - being able to fit everything I own in a small Honda Civic and go where I pleased, not looking back much at all. Sobremesa has challenged me to stay - Louie has challenged me in those exact words on multiple occasions - to stay at the table. While in some moments I hate him for that, in some moments I am glad for that, and in all moments I am thankful for the challenge he has offered me in this, I still don't know what is right. There have been times over the past few months when I had thought (and at times continue to think) that this particular situation isn't right. Then there are moments when I think, despite the hardship of community, this is right, and here my spirit is fed. I waiver often, I doubt an awful lot, I question constantly, I discern consistently, I think (some would say over-analyze) far too much, and I (*try to) pray abundantly. My westernized, first world, attention deficit generation, instant gratification seeking, impatient, entitled nature wants to know - should I stay? Should I go? What is God calling me to and why can't I hear God's voice more clearly? When will this all make sense? When will it become illuminated with clarity and direction? When will I "just know?"

And yet, my missionary heart, my third-world focused perspective, my attempt at being trusting and faith-filled, and my experiences with community life in the past tell me I must be patient, I must let the Holy Spirit be about her work, I must gather strength from the presence of Mary and Christ around me, I must hold steadfast and true to the call to community despite the discomfort, despite the hardship, despite the unsettled-ness (or "ogeda" if you will), despite the disappointment. That there may come a point when things align and my vulnerability and brokenness allows me to hear God more clearly; there also may never come a time when I will be in tune enough with God to "just know," and I need to either figure out how to listen to God better or make some decisions and live with the consequences. While I am hopeful this will not be the case, and I am hopeful that at some point I will "just know," I also am aware that this is not what I should be praying for - instead of praying to "just know," I need to be praying for openness and discernment of spirits, for greater understanding of one another in community, for all of us to come to the table with a renewed (or new) maturity of life and faith, for the ability to treat others with greater gentleness and compassion and acceptance, while still offering a place of accountability, and not allowing myself or others to become apathetic towards the realities in this great, big world (many of which are signficant injustices that I have witnessed through the lives of those who have served me far more than I have served them in places all around the globe).   

A dear, old, wonderful friend of mine once told me that "there is wisdom in the waiting." She was incredibly thoughtful in this comment, and in such a few words offered such magnificent advice - these words have stuck with me now for years, and I have often used it as a sort of centering prayer in my more agitated, human and raw moments. As I find myself now often conflicted, frustrated and anxious, waiting for the last stage of the visa process to be complete, waiting to be with Jhonny and start a new chapter of our lives together, as I wait to understand more fully my role in community - what it is, how it is, how to do it better; as I wait to see where the discernment will lead Sobremesa (both in context of how the three of us are and how the community might/will be changing over upcoming weeks and months), as I wait for a moment when I hope to "just know," as I wait for my tensions and frustrations to calm themselves and try to wait for others to attempt to see things from a new perspective, as I wait to be enveloped with patience and try to look through the eyes of those whose experiences and life history are so drastically different from my own, as I wait, I wait, I wait... I pray for the grace to surrender myself to the wisdom in the waiting.

       

Choices

Choices

Every day we are surrounded by choices. We have choices to make at home, in our work place, in social circles, etc.

As a speech pathologist, choices are something we often work on. It allows that student some ownership and freedom . In our community, I am challenged daily with different choices impacting the community. I struggle most with knowing what choice will be most supportive or least destructive to our flow as Sobremesa. If I choose to work late, see a friend, go on a date… then I ultimately take myself away from Sobremesa. I miss out on my favorite times with my community mates… sharing our daily struggles and stories. If I choose to fold Louie’s laundry, call Clare, make dinner, workout together, or have a beer/glass of wine with Clare and Louie then I am showing them they matter to me and I care about them. In the same way their choices show me time and time again that they care about me. A simple text or email asking about my day after a hard week, a gift on the table for All Saints Day, a smile or hug, or time spent chatting on the couch… their daily choices show me their support for who I am as a person.

As a co-worker stared at a catalog the other day, she described a study she once heard about. People were broken down into different groups, each group given differing numbers of “solutions” to “problems”. The group with the fewest choices slept the best and was, in turn, the happiest. The group with more choices felt unrest, slept less, and rated themselves less happy. My co-worker was staring at the 4^th page of glue sticks you could choose from, saying maybe this is why the United States is in the state that it is…. Too many choices.

With all of the choices we I have access to… I want to challenge myself to be more aware of the impact my choices make on others. The positive and negative affect my choices have on my friends, co-workers, students, and especially my community. I want to be more aware… more present… and show them that they are a priority to me.

A phrase that is often shared here at Sobremesa is “Choice determines situation.”

From Radical Hospitality- “We are created by our choices, and we create the world by those choices.”

Mary Anne Admacher- “We define each moment by what we choose to care about.”