How is God growing you today?

Living in community doesn’t let you hide much. For me, one of the challenges that I fear holds me back at times is my lack of confidence. I am working on it, but this is not an easy fix. And it’s out there for my community mates to see, to be frustrated with, and to support me in.

If you could measure the amount of community experience one has and compare among the Sobremesa community, I would have the least. My experiences have been less intentional, less formal, and less intense in my opinion and more organic. Both Clare and Louie have lived in community before in multiple communities. And they have both been educated at Marianist institutions. Although I have been a part of a community (from sports teams to grad school cohorts) most of my life, they have missed the FAITH piece. I think that is what makes this community experience for me so different.

5 years ago I had an opportunity to take a group of students from St. Joseph’s Catholic Community to Marianist LIFE Pacific. This was my first taste of the Marianist Charism in a very intentional way. I do believe our parish was run “indirectly” Marianist, but the gifts of the Charism were never really talked about… just lived. Marianist LIFE was the first time I was introduced to a group of adults that were like me. They accepted me where I was on my faith journey and walked with me. From that first time as an adult moderator, I couldn’t get enough of this Marianist thing. Any opportunity that was presented to me, I said yes! I was invited to Mid-LIFE and meet more people from the three LIFE programs in St. Louis. I was invited to be a part of the Marianist Lay Formation Initiative retreat forming another community across the country. I even had some time in an online community sharing emails, prayers, skype phone calls and readings with one another. Each one of the relationships I have formed and communities I have been a part of has made a difference in my life (and my faith life). HOWEVER,  when I was scared or nervous about sharing something or leading a prayer… I could find someone that could take over because there were so many people in each community. In a community of 3, it’s harder to do that. It’s almost impossible. I can’t hide any longer… I have to step up.

Enter prayer. The funny thing about this one is that I spent 2 years in the Office of Religious Life for the Marianist LIFE pacific team. I planned liturgies and prayer experiences for the adults and for the students. BUT THERE WAS AT LEAST 2 PEOPLE in the office. There was always someone to bounce ideas of off, to ask questions of, to share fears with. Now, it is just me preparing a prayer experience for my community. I get very very nervous. My stomach hurts the whole day, I have tingles in my arms… and I don’t know why. Not once has Louie or Clare laughed at me or made fun of me or (worst of all) not prayed with me. I don’t know where this nervousness comes from.

I also talk about these fears a lot… hoping they will then disappear. I have shared them with Louie and Clare as well as our friend Baade. There is one thing (in this situation) that Baade says to me that always makes me feel better. Makes me feel like I am where I am supposed to be. It makes me feel that the challenge of preparing prayer for my community is worth the nervousness. She shares about a friend she has whom she doesn’t see often. When Baade sees her friend, she asks her, “How is God growing you today?” Baade listens to my fears and nervousness and tells me God’s growing me.

I have to agree. God is growing me in this Sobremesa community. I am growing in my own prayer life, and in my confidence. It isn’t a passive thing and it isn’t finished (and will never be… if I choose that). It’s going to take A LOT of time and patience and support and prayer. And I am ready for it. How is God growing YOU today?