When I was younger, I remember listening to many "grown ups" who were married say, "you just know" whenever they were asked how they knew that the person they were going to marry was the right one. I remember thinking "Yeah right, what a crock!" when I heard this - that it was a total blow off answer and they were full of it.
Now that I am a "grown up" (it's true, I am a grown up - even if sometimes I doubt my own capability to handle the world and all its curve balls and momentarily think it would be a lot easier to revert to my late teens! - I am indeed an adult), and now that I am on the journey to marriage, I realize that there is some truth in that statement. I don't believe there is only one person in the world out there for each of us, but I do believe that God has a great hand in bringing the paths of two people together, who are good for each other - who challenge and support and love and make one another better. And while I firmly believe that Love chooses us, and from there we must continue daily to choose Love back in a reciprocal and mutual manner, I must admit that I do remember the day in March of 2011 when I "just knew." Though there are multiple moments when my path could have taken a different route, when I could have made different choices and perhaps I would have ended up giving my heart to someone else, or when I could have made the decision to pursue a commitment to single life, or any number of other ways my life could have twisted and turned, the course of events over the past almost 30 years have led me here, and led me to Jhonny, and in March 2011, I realized that we would have the gift of continuing to grow our lives, our faith, and our love together indefinitely - I "just knew." It no longer sounds so bogus.
Lately, I have found myself wondering if the same might be true for community. Is there a moment when you "just know" if this is the right place, time, group of people for you? Or perhaps at this point in the (our/my) journey, is there a point when I would "just know" if this is not the right time/space/group of people for me in which to continue growing spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, etc.?
The discernment to commit to the Sobremesa community was a long and at times very arduous process. And there were many moments where I came very close to saying "this just isn't for me, not now, maybe not ever, this isn't right." But something kept me here, kept me in it, kept me from stepping away. My modus operandi for many years has always been to leave. If I didn't like a job, I quit it and found a new one. If I didn't like my living situation, I left it and made a change. if I was bored with whatever program I was running, I passed it off and found something new to do. I don't fear change, and have for a long time thrived in picking up and moving on - being able to fit everything I own in a small Honda Civic and go where I pleased, not looking back much at all. Sobremesa has challenged me to stay - Louie has challenged me in those exact words on multiple occasions - to stay at the table. While in some moments I hate him for that, in some moments I am glad for that, and in all moments I am thankful for the challenge he has offered me in this, I still don't know what is right. There have been times over the past few months when I had thought (and at times continue to think) that this particular situation isn't right. Then there are moments when I think, despite the hardship of community, this is right, and here my spirit is fed. I waiver often, I doubt an awful lot, I question constantly, I discern consistently, I think (some would say over-analyze) far too much, and I (*try to) pray abundantly. My westernized, first world, attention deficit generation, instant gratification seeking, impatient, entitled nature wants to know - should I stay? Should I go? What is God calling me to and why can't I hear God's voice more clearly? When will this all make sense? When will it become illuminated with clarity and direction? When will I "just know?"
And yet, my missionary heart, my third-world focused perspective, my attempt at being trusting and faith-filled, and my experiences with community life in the past tell me I must be patient, I must let the Holy Spirit be about her work, I must gather strength from the presence of Mary and Christ around me, I must hold steadfast and true to the call to community despite the discomfort, despite the hardship, despite the unsettled-ness (or "ogeda" if you will), despite the disappointment. That there may come a point when things align and my vulnerability and brokenness allows me to hear God more clearly; there also may never come a time when I will be in tune enough with God to "just know," and I need to either figure out how to listen to God better or make some decisions and live with the consequences. While I am hopeful this will not be the case, and I am hopeful that at some point I will "just know," I also am aware that this is not what I should be praying for - instead of praying to "just know," I need to be praying for openness and discernment of spirits, for greater understanding of one another in community, for all of us to come to the table with a renewed (or new) maturity of life and faith, for the ability to treat others with greater gentleness and compassion and acceptance, while still offering a place of accountability, and not allowing myself or others to become apathetic towards the realities in this great, big world (many of which are signficant injustices that I have witnessed through the lives of those who have served me far more than I have served them in places all around the globe).
A dear, old, wonderful friend of mine once told me that "there is wisdom in the waiting." She was incredibly thoughtful in this comment, and in such a few words offered such magnificent advice - these words have stuck with me now for years, and I have often used it as a sort of centering prayer in my more agitated, human and raw moments. As I find myself now often conflicted, frustrated and anxious, waiting for the last stage of the visa process to be complete, waiting to be with Jhonny and start a new chapter of our lives together, as I wait to understand more fully my role in community - what it is, how it is, how to do it better; as I wait to see where the discernment will lead Sobremesa (both in context of how the three of us are and how the community might/will be changing over upcoming weeks and months), as I wait for a moment when I hope to "just know," as I wait for my tensions and frustrations to calm themselves and try to wait for others to attempt to see things from a new perspective, as I wait to be enveloped with patience and try to look through the eyes of those whose experiences and life history are so drastically different from my own, as I wait, I wait, I wait... I pray for the grace to surrender myself to the wisdom in the waiting.
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